


it's only natural but why did it have to be me?

by oakleaf_bearer



Series: scottish safehouse fics [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Coming Out, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Acephobia, Kissing, M/M, Miscommunication, Set in Episodes 159-160 | Scottish Safehouse Period (The Magnus Archives), They dont actually have sex, jon may know everything but he isnt clever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27370837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oakleaf_bearer/pseuds/oakleaf_bearer
Summary: Martin wouldn't cheat on him, Jon was in no doubt about that, but sex was still something he was interested in and Jon wasn't providing. The magazine was very clear about the concept of 'providing'. It even suggested several ways of doing it that all made Jon's head spin.-aka jon reads some trashy gossip magazines and panics
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: scottish safehouse fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912657
Comments: 112
Kudos: 630
Collections: Repulsed/Averse Ace Jon Archivist, tma fics





	it's only natural but why did it have to be me?

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by a conversation with my flatmate where he told me that if my gf wants sex then it's only fair i try aka the worst thing to say to an asexual person

Kissing Jon still makes Martin a bit dizzy in the most wonderful way. Early morning kisses, where their breath still smells a little because they haven't had chance to brush their teeth yet, those are his favourite way to wake up and they leave him with a happy buzz all day. Kisses in passing as they're both doing separate jobs around the cottage, they help him pick up his feet and get moving, humming his way through the rest of his chores. Quick pecks on the cheeks leave Jon blushing, a sight that's rapidly becoming Martin's favourite, while longer, slower kisses leave Jon looking a little giddy. Martin is slowly working his way through every version of post-kiss Jon, trying to categorise and catalogue each and every reaction. 

This is a new one. Martin came into the kitchen while Jon was doing the dishes. Jon started chattering away, offering suggestions of what they should do that afternoon. A walk, maybe, down to the village, a quick trip to the pub in the evening for some drinks and then back to the cottage for a quiet night in. Martin wrapped his arms around Jon and, out of curiosity more than anything, planted a kiss just under Jon's ear, right on the nape of his neck, Jon trailed off mid-sentence, going slightly tense in Martin's arms. 

"Okay?" Martin murmured into his neck. 

"Yeah." Jon's voice was pitched a little higher than usual. "Just lost my train of thought."

"Sorry."

"No, no, it's good. It was- it was nice." 

Martin smiled and filed that away for later. Good and nice, both reactions that he liked from Jon. 

He didn't do it again, simply held Jon as he finished the washing up, picking up his train of thought and telling Martin about how the pub in the village was several hundreds of years old. He didn't fully relax again and Martin thought he was deflecting about something, skirting around an issue that he actually wanted to address in favour of chattering away about something else. He doesn't press it, but he does brush his thumb along Jon's hip as he talks, just to let him know he is paying attention. 

They do eventually go to the village and Jon takes the opportunity to point out all the things about the pub that he had mentioned earlier, from the old support beams to the fireplace, to the mummified cat displayed on the mantle piece. "To ward off evil spirits." Jon tells him when he sees Martin pull a face. "It's a very old practice." 

The landlord overhears Jon and starts up a conversation about the history of the pub and the surrounding area. They go backwards and forwards, each bringing up a new point and firing it off the other. Jon looks enraptured by the concept of being able to Know these mundane things, to have someone else tell him something so simple and yet so fascinating. Fascinating for him, anyway. Martin can't follow the conversation, they way they keep jumping around topics baffles him and deciphering the landlords thick accent takes effort, so instead Martin sits and gazes at Jon. His cheeks are flushed, from the alcohol or from the warmth of the pub Martin can't tell, but the look suits him. 

His hand makes its way to Jon's knee, resting there lightly. 

Jon flinches at the touch, glancing over at Martin, before quickly relaxing again. 

They leave after several hours, with Jon promising to return soon to talk more with the landlord. As they walk back towards the cottage, Martin's arm goes around Jon's shoulders and Jon burrows into his side. 

"Hey." He mumbles against Martin's chest as Martin unlocks the door. It sticks and Martin has to try to jiggle it loose. "Sorry, I got carried away, I should've payed more attention to you."

Martin finally gets the lock to work and he pushes open the door, not letting go of Jon. "It's okay. You were having fun, it was nice to watch."

"But you were right there." Jon let's Martin walk him backwards towards the bedroom. "It was rude of me."

"Jon, I get to have you here every day. It would be cruel of me to deny someone else the right to hear your voice." 

Jon chuckles. "I don't think Mr Goodlett appreciates my voice in the same way you do." 

Martin hums and ducks down to kiss Jon's neck in the spot he discovered earlier. Jon inhales sharply. "I should hope he doesn't. I don't want to not be able to go to the only pub for miles just because the landlord keeps making eyes at you." 

Jon goes very still. 

"I'm going to go to the bathroom." Jon announces, and then he's gone, door firmly locked behind him. 

Martin feels a little lost. Jon's never run away like that before, and Martin worries he's upset him. 

Slowly, Martin goes through the motion of getting ready for bed, changing out of his clothes and leaving a set of pyjamas on the pillow for Jon. He goes to get a glass of water for them both, and by the time he comes back Jon is out of the bathroom and staring at the pyjamas, an inscrutable look on his face.

"All good?" 

He startles as Martin approaches, but nods nonetheless. 

Martin goes to the bathroom and brushes his teeth. When he comes back out, Jon is under the covers reading something on his phone, an intense look on his face. 

"Watcha reading?" 

"Nothing." Jon puts his phone down far too quickly to be inconspicuous. 

Martin decides to leave it. If Jon doesn't want to tell him, then that's okay. Hell get there in the end, Martin is sure of it. Whatever is on Jon's mind, they can work it out together, as a couple. The thought makes Martin grin, and he snuggles closer to Jon's side and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

-

Jon is painfully aware that Martin is right next to him. He's always been aware of Martin's presence, but this is even more extreme than usual. It's annoying. Not Martin's closeness, but Jon's reaction to it. He likes being close to Martin, and he's never had a problem with touching him before, so his sudden inability to handle Martin's hand on his knee or his arms around his stomach, it's frustrating. 

He knows where the problem began. 

It was idiotic, so simplistic really. 

A magazine. One of the trashy gossip mags that filled one of the aisles of the village shop. Martin had been stocking up on soups and veg in the next aisle, and Jon had found himself staring at the words ' _Why Sex Is Important'_ written in bold font on glossy paper. The tagline read ' _10 ways to spice up your new relationship and impress your man_ '. Logistically, Jon knew that Martin would probably not mind Jon's particular relationship with that form of intimacy, but still. Curiosity got the better of him. A beat, quickly listening for the sounds of Martin being sufficiently distracted by one of the villagers starting up a conversation about Martin's soup choices, and Jon had known he was in the clear. He picked up the magazine, flipping it open to the correct page, and proceeded to have the worst few minutes of his life. 

Martin wasn't what Jon would consider a 'physical creature' nor was he particularly shy, but reading about how 'frequent intimacy' was a good way to connect with your partner and discourage unfaithful compulsions was enough to set Jon on edge. Martin wouldn't cheat on him, Jon was in no doubt about that, but sex was still something he was interested in and Jon wasn't providing. The magazine was very clear about the concept of 'providing'. It even suggested several ways of doing it that all made Jon's head spin. 

Jon wasn't ignorant, he'd done things with Georgie and he'd existed around other people for long enough to understand that sex was a widely accepted concept, but he'd never considered that a lack of sex might affect his partner. Plenty of asexuals had sex, he knew that. It could still be an enjoyable action and Jon was in no doubts that Martin would be attentive (one of the magazines may have had a short quiz titled ' _What Kind Of Lover Is Your Crush_ ' that Jon had found infinitely too informative) and he would certainly ensure Jon was at least a little happy with the results. 

And so, a few days later, when Martin started kissing his neck (an erogenous zone, according to Jon's research) Jon had realised what Martin must be building up to. Same with the hand on his knee. 

When Martin had backed him into the bedroom, Jon had panicked and fled, needing a moment to refresh himself on the notes he had taken. 

Coming out of the bathroom and finding Martin's clothes already in the laundry basket had somewhat confused those notes. A lot of the sites he had read had said that undressing your partner was a good way to 'set the mood', but if Martin thought it was best to skip that step, then Jon would follow his lead. 

But then Jon noticed the pyjamas Martin had left for him on the pillow. Maybe it was his way of easing Jon into it. Far too quickly, Jon is under the covers rereading his notes, with Martin asking him what he's doing. Jon tells him it's nothing, then steels himself for Martin's hands on him in places that no one has touched since the few awkward times with Georgie and that one time with Tim when suddenly Martin's gentle snores are permeating their little space.

So here he is, head full of phrases like 'positive reinforcement' and 'setting the mood', with Martin drooling a small wet patch onto his shoulder, fast asleep. 

It's possible that Martin wants Jon to 'take action', as it were, and is waiting for a more certain sign that he's allowed to pursue Jon. 

Slowly, so as to not wake Martin up, Jon reaches over and picks up his phone. He opens one of the articles he had found, horrifically titled ' _How To Initiate The Next Step_ '. Some of the suggestions, namely the idea of waking Martin up by... that's too far, much too much, much too quickly. A massage feels like a good possibility, he knows Martin's shoulders often ache from doing odd jobs around the cottage, but Jon isn't sure how the lotion would feel on his hands after Nikola. That might be too much. He considers suggesting they take a bubble bath tomorrow, but then remembers that the don't have any soap that makes bubbles. 

Eventually he settles on kissing Martin for longer than usual next time they're on the sofa together, and then just sort of winging it. 

Martin would understand if Jon was a little clumsy, it was their first time doing anything like this. Jon could handle it. He could do this for Martin. Sex was something people enjoyed, it felt good and had a range of benefits, and Jon could survive being a little uncomfortable if it helped Martin in the long run. Lord knows he's been through worse. He can do this for Martin, then come out to him and they can set boundaries together. Martin needs this, he reminds himself, and he would do anything for Martin. 

He hopes, desperately, that Martin won't resent his sexuality. He doubts it, but he isn't certain. He hadn't needed to come out to Georgie, but that had been because she had helped him figure it out in he first place. Coming out to Tim had been a truly strange experience. It had happened way back in the early days of research, were Jon had still been hopeful that he was working a normal job and he would make normal friends. Tim had kissed him one night after they had been drinking, and Jon's alcohol addled brain had spat out the words 'immasecual' and promptly blue-screened until Tim, still giggling from Jon's outburst, had deciphered what Jon meant. He'd immediately let go of Jon and pulled back, promising he wouldn't continue that particular train of thought until they were both sober and able to properly discuss boundaries.

But both Tim and Georgie weren't Martin. He'd liked them both, sure, but he _loved_ Martin. He could do this. 

-

Jon spends the next day subtly avoiding him. It slowly drives Martin mad. It's nothing obvious, Jon isn't hiding from him, but he occupies his time with jobs on the other side of the cottage from Martin. At lunchtime, Martin runs a hand down his arm while Jon is plating their sandwiches, and Jon shudders. Not a bad motion, not a good one, just a motion. Unfamiliar. Martin can't decide if he wants to add it to his catalogue. 

That evening, Jon sits down on the sofa next to Martin, not curling against him, but not running away either. After a few very long moments of tense silence, during which Martin cannot pay attention to his notebook thanks to Jon shooting him glances every few seconds over the top of his book, Martin closes his notebook with a deep sigh. 

"What's going on?"

Jon makes a little squeaking sound, then pretends to read his book. "What do you mean?"

"You're acting weird. Have I done something wrong?" 

Jon abandons the pretence of reading and turns to face Martin. "No, of course not."

"Then what's wrong?"

Jon takes a deep breath, puts his book on the coffee table, then surges towards Martin, kissing him firmly. His hands find Martin's shoulders, then his hair, and then he is pushing Martin down onto the sofa and practically laying on top of him. 

Jon's hips are dizzyingly close to Martin's, and as he shifts to get a better angle on Martin's mouth, Martin grips Jon's waist. Jon is tense beneath his fingertips, all tightly wound energy. He doesn't relax as Martin runs his hands over his back soothingly. 

Jon's teeth find Martin's lower lip. Martin makes a noise and Jon pulls back, nosing along his cheekbone. "Okay?"

"Yeah," Martin knows his voice is far too high pitched. "Yeah, good."

Jon gets back to work, leaving a trial of kisses down Martin's face towards his neck, then his hands are on Martin's shirt, fingers slipping under it and stroking up his stomach, one hand trailing along Martin's waistband, dipping lower, and finally Martin's brain kicks in. 

"Wait, wait Jon."

Jon let's out a small, dissatisfied grunt, but let's Martin push him backwards. "What?" 

"What are you doing?" 

"I thought it was obvious."

"Well, yeah, but why?" 

Jon looks confused. "Well, you know, it's- I thought you would- I assumed, that is to say-"

Oh, Martin realises. He's fallen in love with an idiot. He shifts until he's sitting upright again, gently manoeuvring Jon off his lap and back onto the sofa, keeping him close. 

"You assumed we were about to have sex?" He says, gently. 

"Yes?" Jon answers like it's that simple.

Martin thinks back to the time he listened to one of the tapes and heard Melanie and Basira discussing his crush on Jon. He'd been angry right up to the point where Melanie had shared what Georgie had told her, and then he'd been furious. Furious at Georgie for telling Melanie, furious at Melanie for telling Basira, and furious at himself for feeling upset at the idea that Jon might not want that. That anger had been quickly overtaken by guilt, and Martin had spent several hours pacing around his flat trying to calm himself down. He'd made his peace with the fact that they wouldn't have that, he'd accepted it and moved on with minimal fuss. Plenty of people went without sex, and Martin was just happy to be allowed to call Jon his boyfriend. Anything else was secondary. He wouldn't take Melanie's words as gospel, he'd been happy to wait for Jon to confirm or deny them in his own time, but here he was, throwing himself at Martin and bringing up thoughts Martin had long since buried. He takes Jon's hands, rubbing his thumb along Jon's knuckles. "I'm going to as you some questions and I need you to answer me honestly, okay?" 

Jon nods. 

"Do you want to have sex with me?" 

"I wouldn't- you know, if you wanted to, I-"

"Jon." Martin warns. "Honestly." 

He can barely hide his grimace. "Not particularly." 

"Okay. Will you ever want to have sex with me?"

"I don't know." Jon admits. "Maybe? It's not the kind of thing I can really plan for. Trust me, I've tried. Apparently I misread the situation." 

"What- what do you mean you've tried?"

Jon ducks his head, blushing furiously. "Well, I thought that perhaps if I prepared beforehand it would make it easier." 

"Prepared what?" Martin asks slowly. 

Jon seems to catch his meaning. "Not like that! Oh god, no, just, reading some things about how to, you know, initiate things. I was fully expecting you take over the rest."

Martin groans and buries his face in the cushion. "You're killing me. You mean you've been reading about sex online."

"Not just online."

Martin peeks up at him. 

"There were a few magazines."

"Jon, you did not get advice about what we should do for our first time from magazines. Tell me this is a joke."

Jon shakes his head. 

"That is the worst thing I've ever heard. Those magazines never give good advice. What did they tell you?" 

"They sex is a good form of stress relief. That it can help you bond with your partner and build trust. And it has a range of health benefits."

"All of that is true, but it's not a stand-in for actual communication. Let me guess, they said that if we don't have sex then something horrible is going to happen?" 

"A few of them may have implied that without it you might start resenting me."

"Never." Martin shakes his head. "Never, Jon. Not having sex doesn't mean we are going to start hating each other."

Jon let's out a long breath. "God, Martin, I feel like such an idiot. I've really gone and done it this time, haven't I?" 

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"When you say you don't want sex, is it just a preference or is it something else?"

"I'm asexual." Jon doesn't meet his eye. "I don't feel sexual desire. Sex, it isn't something that I _get_." He shakes his head. "I know people like sex, and everyone seems to think it's so important in relationships, but I've never wanted it or understood why someone would want it. People have told me plenty of times that I'll meet someone one day who will change my mind and that I just need to give it a go before I ruled it out entirely. I love you, and I thought that if anyone is going to be that someone it's going to be you." He trails off, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. 

Martin wants to take him in his arms and hold him until the pain passes. Just the two of them, curled under the blanket they keep on the sofa, a small sign of comfortable domesticity, and forget everything bad in the world. He wants to kiss every single scar Jon has until his lips are sore. His heart aches with the thought that Jon has ever been unhappy. 

"Are you okay with me touching you?"

That ones easy. "Yes. Not everywhere, but yes. I like being near you, it's comforting."

"And kissing?" 

Jon nods enthusiastically. "Very much okay."

Martin puts a finger under Jon's chin and tips his head back so that he can meet his eyes. His beautiful, dark eyes. "Do you trust me?"

"Of course." Jon frowns. "Why?"

"Because I want you to know that you don't owe me anything. If you don't want sex, then we won't have sex. It really is fine." 

"But it's something you like, if it makes you happy then I- I can deal with it. For you."

Martin feels a little sick. "Jon, I don't- deal with it? You understand that that isn't exactly enthusiastic consent, right? Fucking hell, I don't want you to have to 'deal with it' just because you think it's going to make me happy."

"But it would make you happy."

"No, Jon, it wouldn't. You being uncomfortable wouldn't make me happy in the slightest. Going on walks, that makes me happy, listening to you talk, that makes me happy, spending time with you, that-" He places a hand on Jon's chest. "that makes me happy. I don't need anything else."

"But, you still- You still have urges."

"Christ, Jon, only you can make it sound so- yes I get _urges_. But that doesn't mean you have to be involved." 

"Martin, I-" He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. This isn't how I expected all of this to go. I thought that I would be able to give you this one thing."

"Is this what's been bothering you all day?"

Jon nods. 

"You could've asked me, Jon. I thought you were angry with me." 

Jon shakes his head emphatically. "No, not at all."

Martin shakes his head, smiling fondly. "What ever will I do with you, Jon?" He cradles Jon's cheek, brushing along his cheekbone. 

"Love me?"

"Always." It's the easiest thing in the world to promise. "Every part of you." 

"I'm so sorry. I ruined a perfectly good evening."

"It's fine. The conversation was going to happen at some point. I just wish you'd talked to me instead of reading those magazines." 

"The magazines are what made me thing of it." Jon burrows into Martin's side. "It just didn't occur to me until I was reminded that sex exists. Is that weird?"

"Not at all."

"Feels like a conversation that should've come up before we moved in together." 

"We've been through a lot in a very short amount of time, it makes sense we skipped a couple of steps." Martin kisses the top of Jon's head and smiled at the content sigh he gives out. "I'm just glad you're okay."

"With you nearby, always." 

Martin makes a choked noise. "Don't be adorable right now, I'm still upset about the magazines." 

"One day I'll show you the quizzes." Jon buries his face in Martin's shirt. 

"The quizzes?" Martin tries to shove Jon back to look at his face. He desperately needs to know if Jon is joking right now. "Jon, what quizzes?" Jon clings onto him even tighter, hugging Martin like a limpet. "Jon, what were the quizzes about?!" 

Jon's shoulders shake as he laughs, but he doesn't loosen his grip. "I'll tell you one day."

"Tell me now!"

"No."

"Jonathan Sims, you _menace_!"

**Author's Note:**

> i am aware that this is the most unreadable thing ive ever written, it was 100% fuelled by rage and a strawberry swiss roll dont @ me
> 
> oh hey, i'm playing with tenses! welcome to oaks experimentation hours, enjoy your stay 
> 
> title is from why did it have to be me by abba
> 
> come find me [on tumblr](https://oakleaf--bearer.tumblr.com/) or [on insta!](https://www.instagram.com/statement_boo_gins/)
> 
> comments and kudos keep me writing, pls leave some!


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